This Monday, I like... naming the models in hairstyle magazines.


Edited from an image originally taken from It's a 10 Haircare blog The individual photos are copyright of the original photographers and stylists.

I'm not a fan of women's magazines. They are either salacious gossip/fawning glurge about "celebrities" I don't recognise, or else they're salacious gossip/fawning glurge about "real-life" folk looking for their five seconds of "fame". Just looking at the front covers, I can feel my IQ start to drop.

But I make an exception for hairstyle magazines. No mention of break-ups or drug addictions or new mansions. Nothing about cheating death or boob jobs or finding out your husband is a bigamist. They have a very simple, straightforward focus: what does your hair look like and how can you make it look better? It's shallow, yes, but it's a clean shallow that doesn't leave me feeling like my brain's been wallowing in a stranger's pig sty. The writing (if there is any at all) is minimal, while the tone is cheerful and helpful rather than mean-spirited or scandalised. And while "celebrities" feature, the vast majority of the photographs are of anonymous models like those above. Nobody expects you to know what they are called. Nobody expects you to know who they're going out with/breaking up with/having a cat-fight with. Nobody expects any story about them at all.

Which makes them irresistable to someone who likes making up stories. Their faces are a blank canvas upon which I can impose any name, any character, any backstory I desire. It's a casual thing, more of a game I play with myself than a serious creative exercise. I've never written any story inspired by a hair magazine model. But it's fun, studying each face for hints of personality, suggestions of lives that aren't about modelling. Take the redhead on the far left: a sultry little madam, I reckon she's a jewel thief in the 1960s, who has arrived in Italy for her next job; she's been all around the world but is originally from Wales and still has the soft, lilting accent; clever and self-sufficient, but with a thrill-seeking streak that can make her careless when on the job. I think I'll call her either Branwen or Caron. And the two brunettes? Now they could be the same model photographed with two different hairstyles, but I don't think so; the one on the far right has a bigger nose than the one in the middle. But they're pretty similar-looking so I could cast them as sisters. I reckon the one on the right is the elder, we'll call her Danni, and the one in the middle is Jean, they both love swimming and Jean is competing at college/university level and thinking of turning pro.

Well, you get the idea. And within one magazine there are so many photographs, all opportunities to go on wild flights of fancy. You don't have to stick to the one story or name all the time. Maybe I'll come across the photo of the redhead on another day and decide she's actually a dancer or a nurse or a Southern belle. It's quick and easy story-telling on the go.

Clutch, purse or handbag: what would you call the kind of receptacle for personal items which a woman would carry at a party? And if it had a shoulder strap, would that make a difference to the terminology? Thank you!

The public has spoken, and Kingston has come out on top. But in the course of proceedings I've also decided to give my hero a middle name, sooo...

Meet Adam Fitzroy Kingston :DDD

Adam: *rolls his eyes, drinks his whiskey*

Well, at least say "hello" to the nice people who named you.

Adam: ...Hello. (aside) Can I go now? This is embarrassing.

*sigh* Yes, yes, fine.

Adam: *walks off muttering* I bet Hamlet didn't get named by committee. Or Don Quixote or Mr Darcy or, hell, even Harry Potter...

YES, thank you for that, Adam! And thank you also to everyone who voted, you were a great help :)

In case some people missed it, I'm just posting this link to my first random and mysterious question of 2014. If you haven't taken part already, I would appreciate your input, thanks :)

In 2013, I...

- turned 33.

- asked a lot of mysterious and random questions of my LiveJournal friends, as I fact-checked elements of a story.

- got slooooowly back in touch with Ruth, Lesley and LJ, my old university friends, in an attempt to make human contact outside of work.

- discovered the time-wasting potential of TrendHunter.com...

- ... and via the above, discovered the joys of mash-up fan art by Amy Mebberson, Karen Hallion and Hyung86.

- spent more money than I ought to in The Works.

- realised that I need to put a time limit on how long I write, because spending too long leaves me grumpy and depressed. On that basis, I made a deal with Mum to stop her nagging me about writing, but she has recently started again...

- tidied my wardrobe (well, most of it).

- went on holiday to Jersey and learned that four-star hotel menus are not all that.

- got new bosses at work and watched an already-bad situation get worse, ugh.

- and as a result of the above, got more and more cynical and sharp-tongued.

- got rid of the task of clerking the Coleraine family courts!... then got it back again, thanks to said new bosses >.<

- got obsessed with paint colour names and colouring-in books.

- read a lot (but then, I do that every year).

- re-started using my local library, although most of the time I borrow books with absolutely no intention of reading them. *guilty look*

- bought a re-useable calendar of "calming thoughts" and promptly started to disagree with them.

- watched Strictly Come Dancing for the first time and loved it. My only quibble is that it's on too early in the evening, which leaves you scrabbling to find something to watch from 8 o'clock on...

- watched "The Day of the Doctor" on 23 November and fell in love with Doctor Who again (I had drifted away from the show following a... family incident which had been started by this episode).

- started listening to my pop and rock CDs again, after several years of only playing instrumental and classical music. I blame the pop radio station which my workmates tune into (and which I can't stand).

- applied for two new jobs and a transfer... didn't get any of them.

- got a bonus woohoo!

- gave up on taking packed lunches to work.

- did NOT join any dating websites... but thought about it. A lot.

- made a necklace.

- bought the same style of shoes as I had last year.

- wrote in pink.

- FINALLY got a passport. And still haven't used it.

- err, downloaded spyware like an idiot >.< Luckily in the middle of doing so, I mentioned what I was doing to my brother, so he got straight on to removing it.

- wrote this list.

You think a goddamn firefight at an engagement party is just irregular? You think we get a lot of hitmen coming through town here? On a fricking Wednesday night? This is Ashtown, not goddamn Long Beach!

Does the above sound right? Particularly the cursing and the reference to Long Beach. Also, perhaps it should be engagement shower rather than party... *quibbles*

[Edited to add:] Also, is it 'pant legs' or 'pants legs'? Again, thanking you in advance for your patience and help.

Thank you, everyone who answered my last random question :) Needed confirmation that "bomber jacket" was a commonly used US term cos the clothing sites I looked at talked about "flight jackets" as often as "bomber".

And another one - anyone have any experience of Joshua trees? Are they spiky or prickly at all? Cos I can't decide from the pictures I've seen and no one seems to mention it in any description I can find.

[Edit to add:] Also, can you confirm if 'skepticism' is the typical US spelling? My usual dictionary site doesn't give any indication. Thank you!

Hmmmm... I'm not sure whether to consider the response a success or a failure... On the one hand, it suggests that I'm not being as heavy-handed as I feared. On the other, what's the point if nobody else gets it?...

If I was to specify, "Little Polly Flinders," what would you say?

Thanks, everyone, for your comments to my last entry. You've been so helpful with all of my strange little questions :) (BTW, round here, they're usually known as indicators, and sometimes blinkers or winkers - although the last may be unique to my family; I tried to talk to some friends once that a driver was "winking" left, and they didn't have a clue what I was on about lol.)

In the UK, the slang phrase "blues and twos" is used to refer to the lights and sirens used by emergency vehicles, particularly the police e.g. "the cops went flying past me, all blues and twos. Must be something big going on." Is there a similar phrase in the US?