(no subject)

[rhondacrockett]

You think a goddamn firefight at an engagement party is just irregular? You think we get a lot of hitmen coming through town here? On a fricking Wednesday night? This is Ashtown, not goddamn Long Beach!

Does the above sound right? Particularly the cursing and the reference to Long Beach. Also, perhaps it should be engagement shower rather than party... *quibbles*

[Edited to add:] Also, is it 'pant legs' or 'pants legs'? Again, thanking you in advance for your patience and help.

Comments

[musewrangler.livejournal.com]

A lot of my comments depend on context, so some of this is probably totally irrelevant. :)

Definitely party, not shower.

I'm not sure about "firefight" -- would something like "shooting" work for the situation?

The word "irregular" is really jumping out at me, both because it doesn't really fit the tone of this dialogue, and because it sounds like a Wednesday night firefight in Ashtown is irregular. Is the Long Beach you're referencing the one in California or New York or another Long Beach? Neither is somewhere I think of as high-crime (not that I know much about them). I'd reference somewhere known for being tough and high-crime. Detroit? The Bronx? Compton?

Mentioning hitmen seems kind of awkward UNLESS it's important to the story.

Also, if the speaker is harsh enough to pepper his sentences with goddamns, he's also likely to go with fucking instead of fricking.

I'd go with something like, "You think a goddamn shooting at an engagement party is normal? On a fucking Wednesday night? This is Ashtown, not the goddamn Bronx." (Or goddamn Detroit. Or whatever. I'm just partial to the Bronx. XD) And I'd include the hitmen bit if it's relevant to the story at this point.

[rhondacrockett]

:) Thanks, Jill. That's really helpful. Yeah, I thought the hitmen reference (though it will be important, later) was awkward too, made that piece of dialogue too long.

The 'irregular' thing is sparked by the conversation leading up to this outburst. The speaker's making the point that he finds the other person's attitude to the situation rather blase, if not outright disrespectful: "Really, 'irregular' is the strongest term you can think of to describe this shit?!"

It's Long Beach, California. I'm placing Ashtown around Arizona, Nevada? I figured the speaker would make a comparison to somewhere on the west coast rather than the east, and a (admittedly very quick) Google threw up Long Beach as one of the top 5 US cities for gang violence. I could go with LA or Compton, I just liked the rhythm of Long Beach :)

[orca5094.livejournal.com]

This explained some of my concerns, but maybe it would still be better to use a more well-known violent area in CA? Like simply LA maybe? I automatically thought of Long Beach, NY when I read that and even if Long Beach, CA does have high gang activity, I had never heard anything about it before and that comment wouldn't have made sense to me. Perhaps it would also be true of your other readers?

And I would say "pant legs", personally. But that's just my input! :)

[moonbug.livejournal.com]

Your phrasing about irregular in that explanation makes a lot more sense than in the dialog you originally posted. Can you rephrase it to use that?

I would say just "pants" unless you were specifically referring to one pant leg or another, though context would help.

Detroit is a good pick for a city. I don't think there are any Americans who would miss the point there.