(no subject)
Nov. 14th, 2013 12:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
You think a goddamn firefight at an engagement party is just irregular? You think we get a lot of hitmen coming through town here? On a fricking Wednesday night? This is Ashtown, not goddamn Long Beach!
Does the above sound right? Particularly the cursing and the reference to Long Beach. Also, perhaps it should be engagement shower rather than party... *quibbles*
[Edited to add:] Also, is it 'pant legs' or 'pants legs'? Again, thanking you in advance for your patience and help.
Does the above sound right? Particularly the cursing and the reference to Long Beach. Also, perhaps it should be engagement shower rather than party... *quibbles*
[Edited to add:] Also, is it 'pant legs' or 'pants legs'? Again, thanking you in advance for your patience and help.
no subject
Date: 2013-11-14 03:43 pm (UTC)Definitely party, not shower.
I'm not sure about "firefight" -- would something like "shooting" work for the situation?
The word "irregular" is really jumping out at me, both because it doesn't really fit the tone of this dialogue, and because it sounds like a Wednesday night firefight in Ashtown is irregular. Is the Long Beach you're referencing the one in California or New York or another Long Beach? Neither is somewhere I think of as high-crime (not that I know much about them). I'd reference somewhere known for being tough and high-crime. Detroit? The Bronx? Compton?
Mentioning hitmen seems kind of awkward UNLESS it's important to the story.
Also, if the speaker is harsh enough to pepper his sentences with goddamns, he's also likely to go with fucking instead of fricking.
I'd go with something like, "You think a goddamn shooting at an engagement party is normal? On a fucking Wednesday night? This is Ashtown, not the goddamn Bronx." (Or goddamn Detroit. Or whatever. I'm just partial to the Bronx. XD) And I'd include the hitmen bit if it's relevant to the story at this point.
no subject
Date: 2013-11-14 04:25 pm (UTC)The 'irregular' thing is sparked by the conversation leading up to this outburst. The speaker's making the point that he finds the other person's attitude to the situation rather blase, if not outright disrespectful: "Really, 'irregular' is the strongest term you can think of to describe this shit?!"
It's Long Beach, California. I'm placing Ashtown around Arizona, Nevada? I figured the speaker would make a comparison to somewhere on the west coast rather than the east, and a (admittedly very quick) Google threw up Long Beach as one of the top 5 US cities for gang violence. I could go with LA or Compton, I just liked the rhythm of Long Beach :)
no subject
Date: 2013-11-14 06:11 pm (UTC)And I would say "pant legs", personally. But that's just my input! :)
no subject
Date: 2013-11-14 07:03 pm (UTC)Detroit is a good pick for a city. I don't think there are any Americans who would miss the point there.