A lot of my comments depend on context, so some of this is probably totally irrelevant. :)
Definitely party, not shower.
I'm not sure about "firefight" -- would something like "shooting" work for the situation?
The word "irregular" is really jumping out at me, both because it doesn't really fit the tone of this dialogue, and because it sounds like a Wednesday night firefight in Ashtown is irregular. Is the Long Beach you're referencing the one in California or New York or another Long Beach? Neither is somewhere I think of as high-crime (not that I know much about them). I'd reference somewhere known for being tough and high-crime. Detroit? The Bronx? Compton?
Mentioning hitmen seems kind of awkward UNLESS it's important to the story.
Also, if the speaker is harsh enough to pepper his sentences with goddamns, he's also likely to go with fucking instead of fricking.
I'd go with something like, "You think a goddamn shooting at an engagement party is normal? On a fucking Wednesday night? This is Ashtown, not the goddamn Bronx." (Or goddamn Detroit. Or whatever. I'm just partial to the Bronx. XD) And I'd include the hitmen bit if it's relevant to the story at this point.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2013-11-14 03:43 pm (UTC)Definitely party, not shower.
I'm not sure about "firefight" -- would something like "shooting" work for the situation?
The word "irregular" is really jumping out at me, both because it doesn't really fit the tone of this dialogue, and because it sounds like a Wednesday night firefight in Ashtown is irregular. Is the Long Beach you're referencing the one in California or New York or another Long Beach? Neither is somewhere I think of as high-crime (not that I know much about them). I'd reference somewhere known for being tough and high-crime. Detroit? The Bronx? Compton?
Mentioning hitmen seems kind of awkward UNLESS it's important to the story.
Also, if the speaker is harsh enough to pepper his sentences with goddamns, he's also likely to go with fucking instead of fricking.
I'd go with something like, "You think a goddamn shooting at an engagement party is normal? On a fucking Wednesday night? This is Ashtown, not the goddamn Bronx." (Or goddamn Detroit. Or whatever. I'm just partial to the Bronx. XD) And I'd include the hitmen bit if it's relevant to the story at this point.