Do you still think that way about me now?

I have two guilty-pleasure reads. These are book-series where I have solemnly promised myself that I will (a) never buy them new or full-price, (b) never hold on to or read them a second time, and (c) never read anything else by the author except that particular series. I borrow them from the library, I pick them up in charity shops or remainder stores like The Works, and once I'm done, back they go.

One of those guilty-pleasure reads is the Arcane Society paranormal romance series by Jayne Ann Krentz (or Amanda Quick or Jayne Castle, depending on the time period of the story in question). All the books are stand-alones, which is useful because I never read my guilty pleasures in sequence, although there is a wider plot arc, sorta like the nu-Doctor Who thing of self-contained episodes dotted with hints about the finale. The stories take place over three different time periods - Victorian England, modern-day America and a far-future alien world called Harmony - forming a Marvel/DC-esque "shared universe", which I haven't come across in novels before (though Kelley Armstrong's Women of the Otherworld comes close, I guess). The Harmony books are probably my favourites, if only for the dust bunnies: six-legged, four-eyed alien balls of fluff with a habit of adopting humans and wearing silly outfits.

Now, problems. Because frankly, I find it easier to tell you what I find wrong with these books than what I find right. The Arcane Society is a secretive organisation of psychics - and before you go all "mind readers yay!", no, unfortunately telepaths do not exist in this world. These people are just a bit more intuitive than the rest of us, more linked-in to their instincts, sharper on the uptake. The definition of what qualifies as a psychic is kinda loose and muddled. There are those which I would accept as properly psychic - the illusion-talents, the para-hypnotists, the aura-readers - but for pity's sake, some of the characters are just really, really good at coming up with a business plan!! That, to me, does not a psychic make. And the hunter-talents' powers are largely physical, they're basically Wolverine without the claws. I've never seen anyone claim that Logan has psychic powers just because he's strong and he heals fast!

The plotlines keep ending in the middle of the book. Seriously, you think you're reading one particular story but it ends around chapter 20. Well, there's half of the book still to go, so she pulls up a new story - which ends at chapter 35 and you've got dozens of pages left. I have no problem with multi-stranded storylines, what I have a problem with is that Plot Two only seems to pop into existence once Plot One is finished. It's disconcerting, being jerked from pillar to post like this. There may be a little throw-away hint about Plot Two during Plot One, but that's what it is: throw-away, promptly forgotten about, never mentioned again - until of course, she's run out of Plot One. I like my foreshadowing a bit more sustained, thankyouverymuch.

And the heroes - well, I would complain that they are all the same character, just labelled with different names and different powers, but that's a fault/characteristic of the genre in general, so we'll let it lie. What really pisses me off, is that the lead men always - ALWAYS - fall instantly and totally in love. And they always KNOW that they've fallen instantly and totally in love, they always KNOW that they and the lead lady are DFEO ('Destined For Each Other'; I don't know if this is an acronym actually used within the genre, I just made it up). But the women don't. Oh, the women feel the instantaneous attraction alright, but they take convincing that it's love. They tell themselves and the heroes that it's just physical, driven by the tension of the plot, of being thrown together by events. I believe in people being confused about whether they're in love or not, or at least trying to convince themselves that they're confused. But I don't believe in people being 100% certain of it from the get-go. Doesn't anybody take their time to fall in love? For that matter, doesn't anybody take their time to develop an attraction to someone? It's all BOOM! INSTANT OVERPOWERING LUST! *rolls her eyes* Sorry, don't buy it.

So with all these issues - the fuzzy world-building, the clumsy multiple endings, the irritating love-at-first-sight fallacy - why the hell do I enjoy them?!? The closest I have to an answer, is something I wrote in one of my random-scribbling notebooks:

"Jayne Ann Krentz's books are the literary equivalent of candyfloss: a few simplistic ingredients overheated and stretched as far and as thin as they can go, to create a substance more air than actuality and full of artificial colouring, which tastes too sweet and dissolves to nothing the instant you consume it. But if you're going to a funfair, a carnival or a seasonal market, candyfloss is all part of the experience."

...I guess I just like candyfloss.

"One flower at a time,
I want to hear what it is saying."
Robert Francis from "Bouquets" - quotation on my calendar for today.


I can tell you what the flowers are saying...

"Free nectar! Get your free nectar right here! No ifs, no buts, absolutely no catches whatsoever, for a limited time only! Hey, madam! Yes, you, in the fetching yellow-and-black number! You look all done in. Been lugging them pollen bags with you all day, dear dear, no rest for the wicked, is there, eh? Know what you need? A good sit-down and a nice, long drink of my sweet and absolutely guaranteed-free nectar. Gotta take time to be good to yourself, ma'am, cos nobody else'll do it for you! That's it, just past the UV light display there. Oh, we had that fitted for the ambience, know what I mean, make the place a bit more hippy-esque, yeah, like those meditation temples or whatever. Don't mind the stamens, now, they'll just give you a nice massage - it's free too, madam, all part of the service! (Alright, boys: quick and quiet now, load 'em on!) What's that? You're feeling heavier? Oh yeah, that's an effect of the massage, ma'am, the muscles relaxing and all that. No, no, your pollen bags definitely have not got bigger. Come on, would I lie to you, madam? Now, settle yourself down on the stigma there, take the weight off your wings and make yourself comfy. Go on, wiggle about as much as you want, get everything just where you need it, I don't mind! (Ok, girls, grab what you can! And none of your cross-species malarkey, Kimberley, I don't care if you think tiger lilies are sexy.) Sorry, madam, must've had something in my ear, what did you say? Oh yeah, yeah, the nectar, right, just down here, ma'am, that's it. You take a good long drink now. Yeah, just sit back, relax, let my boys and girls get you nice and comfy, and suck up all that sweet, sweet nectar.... There you go, good, ain't it? Now you be sure to tell all your girl friends: free nectar, right here, right now, no questions asked, everybody welcome. See ya soon, alright. (Yahaha, good work, everybody. Another satisfied and completely oblivious customer. Alright, back to work, summer don't last for ever, you know.) Free nectar! Get your free nectar right here..."